74 Living

It’s almost the end of September 2009. Once again I will be a participant in the Champagne Brunch and Silent Auction that benefits the BCRC. Once again I have been chairing the committee that handles registration and checkouts. We handle item distribution, too. With two years of experience performing this role I’ve got a lot of the processes worked out and refined for how my group does its thing, and I’ve spent long hours incorporating last year’s suggestions and updating the processes to make sure this year goes even better than before.

As I’ve participated in this labor of love, my mind has occasionally wandered back to that German woman at the poetry festival in 2008 who suggested that maybe it was time for me to “move on” from cancer. The memory still makes me burn with anger. It also ties into a larger perspective on giving each other the space we need to express ourselves.


Quick recap: this woman and I both participated in a poetry workshop at a poetry festival. I read my poem about radiation. She said that her husband had had prostate cancer and she could identify with many of the emotions my poem brought out about cancer treatment. She then later approached me and said that her husband had at first busied himself with lots of volunteer work, participating in a local group and supporting others going through treatment. She said that you reach a point where you’re ready to move on, and no longer throw yourself into these things. Her implication that maybe it was time for me to move on and stop participating so actively in breast cancer causes shocked me at first, then found its way into “deeply offended” territory. My stance then and now is that I work hard to balance my cancer-related activities with other aspects of my life, and I’m not out of balance and she had no right suggesting that I correct an imbalance that doesn’t exist.

I believe that it is important for citizens to participate in volunteer work. I believe that the details of the work should align with your passions, but it is just good for the soul to get out of your regular circles sometimes and do something that benefits others.

Back when I served on the volunteer-only board of my local homeowners’ association, I found it to be a lot of work for a lot of frustration. The people who appreciated my efforts were mostly silent. The loudly vocal minority who disagreed with the board’s stance on a couple of key topics made it miserable to do what I sincerely thought was best for the neighborhood. I found a new respect on what politicians go through when they try to balance voting their conscience – doing what they feel is right over what is popular or what is easy.


At one point I visited a number of residents in the neighborhood to get their proxies for an election coming up. Sitting down and talking to my “constituents” one on one was an enlightening experience. In some ways it outlined how unrealistic the expectations were for many people and their neighborhood HOA’s responsibilities. In many ways I was grateful because it helped me see the patterns of what my neighbors wanted, like a playground for their children. I felt like a better servant to my community when I sacrificed a considerable amount of personal time to engage in these one-on-one conversations. Then I participated in the neighborhood meetings between the board and the homeowners and experienced people who were interested only in yelling their points of view and not listening to anything.


By contrast, my volunteer work for the BCRC has been about equally time consuming but scads more rewarding since the people I’ve helped are actually grateful for my sacrifices and don’t mind telling me so.

I no longer scan the Internet reading personal stories of people’s cancer journeys on a regular basis. I’m too busy living my own post-cancer journey. Sometimes I have wondered whether it’s worth it to continue writing anything in this cancer-centered blog. Does this blog still inspire anyone or educate anyone or give anyone hope?

Then Jennifer wrote me that she was scared, pregnant, and newly diagnosed and wanted someone to talk to. She lives in another state from me. I don’t know how she found my blog but I’m so glad she did. I called. We talked. I hooked her up with the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls and now she’s got a community of breast cancer sisters online to support her – several of whom were also diagnosed while pregnant. She is not alone and I’m pleased to have been in the right place at the right time to foster that connection.

The speech I’ve written for this year’s Champagne Brunch focuses on connections, and how important they are when you’re dealing with a trauma. The speech is specifically aimed at the trauma surrounding a breast cancer diagnosis, but my real message is about healing from any trauma.


Reaching out and finding others like you who have been through what you’re going through is something I believe to be an essential element of healing.


Where would we be if everybody withdrew from their volunteerism, their activism, and retreated back into their own little circles of friends and events without giving of themselves?

In other words, where would we all be if everybody “moved on” like that woman suggested I should? I firmly believed last year that the woman was wrong to suggest such a thing then. I’m still convinced of it now.

I’m not going to quit my day job and throw myself into a new non-profit to tackle some element of breast cancer. I’m not going to volunteer for every breast cancer-related event in my area. That is not how the world can expect me to make it a better place.

I will, however, make time for any person who has been diagnosed with cancer and needs someone to talk to.

I will continue to make time here and there for the occasional volunteer-based non-profit-supporting project. The next project might be to help my child’s Montessori school, or to help Wonders & Worries instead of the BCRC. That plays into what I mentioned earlier about respecting one another’s choices. A mom who helps with her child’s school’s fund raiser but never helps with a cancer event is doing work just as important, in my opinion, as the woman who dedicates her life to raising funding and awareness about breast cancer, or multiple sclerosis, or diabetes, or birth defects, or hunger, etc.

I think I am setting a good example for my little boy by actively giving my time and skills to causes about which I feel passionate.

That is not "moving on." That, dear woman, is called "participating in life." I fought my battle with cancer so I could do just that – LIVE.

“Life isn’t rich if you merely exist. Life is rich when you participate in it; notice the nuances; and never settle for just being a bystander.” ~ Angela Patterson

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